I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
MIDGETS
????
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
