I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
