I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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