i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
