I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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