You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
