he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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