Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Randomize
