we have officially lost it.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize