my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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