you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
