My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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