if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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