took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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