I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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