i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
