Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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