This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Randomize