She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
