I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
