So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
