Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
