My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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