My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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