Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
