Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
