I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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