Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
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