So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
