my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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