his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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