Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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