I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Who died my cat blue again?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
