i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My cat gives me a boner
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
