why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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