His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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