why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
