you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
