He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
