We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
