I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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