Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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