People in love make me want to vomit
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
