Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
