My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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