I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
