Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
