He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Terrible idea I love it
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
