Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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