so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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