Umm I'm too high to move.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
