Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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