just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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