i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
