just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
