how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We need to get me chipped asap
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