She is in my trunk
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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