We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
