I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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