youre lurking in front of me
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
