my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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