Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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