The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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