Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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