oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
