theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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