when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
