So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
